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All Grown Up is a sideways glance at product trends aimed at young(ish) adults.

While watching a history program the other evening with my two young children, a commercial break came on with a spot for a brand of adult vitamins.

Adult chewable vitamins.

Adult chewable Gummy vitamins.

Kids, being who they are, immediately asked why I don’t take chewable Gummy vitamins. Well, Bud and Sissy, I said in my best Father Knows Best tone, “I’m an adult. Your mother and I take plain, ol’ regular vitamins. Those vitamins are candy-based gummies, you know, for kids.” The retort: But those people are adults, why are they taking gummy vitamins?

I. Don’t. Know.

This exchange led me to ponder, “Why is there a segment of adults who want to relive their youth through child-like products.” And, “What else is out there that could devolve into one of these somewhat disturbing adult/child hybrid products?”

Quite a few, actually. I can imagine the elevator pitches for their spots now:

Adult Sippy Cups
Why use a ceramic mug or that thermally insulated stainless steel cup for your morning coffee? With Sippy Brand Super Drinky Cups you’ll never have to worry about getting pesky kale juice stains on your Tommy Bahama shirt or spilling 10 oz. of a fine Sumatra blend onto your iPad. Sippy Brand Super Drinky Cups can be used hot or cold. The no tip-over design is perfect for use with alcohol-based drinks. Comes with three decorative sticker packs.

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Adult Woobies
Are the kids or husband placing too many demands on you? Is the boss pressuring you at work with inconceivable deadlines or joyless tasks? Relax. Just sit back and hug your Wooby Brand Really-Big-Boy Woobie. Made of the finest Alpaca wool in a variety of sophisticated colors, your Really-Big-Boy Woobie will take the edge off your existential crisis in no time at all. For home or office. Perfect for use at client meetings. Thumb-sucking or crying while using your Really-Big-Boy or Really-Big-Girl Woobie is purely optional.

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My First Home Playset
You played house as a kid; now play house as an adult! With your My First Home Playset starter pack, you get one, 100’ x 125’ zero-lot-line property; a 3 bed, 2 bath, 1,750 sq. ft. move-in ready home unit; a low-maintenance landscaping kit (just add water!); colorful ceramic tiles for your bathrooms and kitchen, and our exclusive granite countertop pack. Playsets come in various styles, materials and colors. Move walls! Add a roof! Mix and match! See catalog for furniture sets. Includes My First Home Mortgage. Pets and children not included.

Please visit our website to learn more about our entire line of My First Brand Adult Playsets, including My First Managerial Job, My First Affair, My First Divorce and My First Bankruptcy.

Exhibited below: a rare 1957 edition My First Home Playset – mint, in mint box.bombb house f2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adult Diapers
I know, I know, adult diapers already exist, but those are for the incontinent, the sick or the elderly. I’m talking adult diapers for those who long for the freedom to just “let it all go” without care or worry. What could be more American than that?

I think the pitch for that product would go something like this:

Are your snack breaks more important than your bathroom breaks? Do you have a long commute to work? Will you be stuck with a window seat on your next transcontinental flight? Maybe you’re just looking for new ways to time-shave or multitask. With new Doodiful Brand Adult Diapers you’ll have the confidence to know that if you have to go, you can go ahead and go. Any time. Any place. No one need ever know. (I’m wearing one now.)

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I’m just throwing those ideas out there, people.

Feel free to run with them, but make sure you’re wearing your Garanimals for Adults Premium Jogging Ensemble while you’re running. Operators are standing by.